A Humbling Moment

Last night, I was at Park Street waiting for the train to take me home. It was late, around 12:15, and I was worried about not making the last train. Suddenly, I heard a man's voice call out from the other end of the platform. He was asking for money, about seven and a half dollars, to pay for a commuter rail train to a homeless shelter where he could spend the night. He added to his pleas that he had a job interview the next morning, and that it was the first one since he had gotten out of prison. Most people ignored him, and only one man gave him some money. It was just a dollar though, and the homeless man became more and more desperate as time went on.

Standing there, I stayed silent. I didn't want to draw attention to myself, fearing he may come down the platform to ask me for money specifically. I was afraid that he might be cheating us all out of cash, or that he could attack someone for their money. But as I listened to him call out again and again, I felt something. An urge, a pain inside was telling me to do the right thing. I wanted so badly to reject it and move on, and I prayed the train would come soon. But I remembered a class at college where homelessness was the subject, and it reminded me how little respect the homeless get. I thought of how many times I neglected the homeless, and how much I looked down on them, thinking them to be cheaters and beggars and bums. But this man, yearning to turn his life around, was exactly what most people never see in the homeless, and that is why I knew that if I didn't help this man, I would regret it for the rest of my life.

I placed my hand in my wallet and withdrew a ten dollar bill, more than enough to get him to his destination. I held it out to him and wished him God's blessing. As I let go of the bill and turned to walk away, he looked down and saw the numbers printed on the paper, and looked at me with complete and utter shock. It was as if I had just given him a winning lottery ticket, a second chance at life that he didn't think he would have. And as he called out a thank you to me, I was already walking away.

I know it was stupid of me to do that. I know that he might have been scamming me out of a few bucks. Hell, he could have shanked me right there and took my whole wallet for all I knew. But it was the principle of the matter, it was the fact that he wanted to turn himself around and make his life better, that was what convinced me the most.

So please, look kindly on those who live on the streets. Who knows? That might be you someday shivering in the cold. We are in a recession after all, anything can happen.

And The World Comes Crashin' Down On Me...

Well, it's been a while and I need to post something. Much has happened since the last time I wrote, so here's a quick recap:

~She broke up with me. Oh, well...
~I moved to college, but I still work at home.
~I was the Prince of Verona in Romeo & Juliet, and that went really well!
~I've just learned that one of my ex's best friends has feelings for me, but I don't feel the same way for her.
~I finished my fist semester with great marks, super friends, and a show under my belt, but being at home makes me frustrated.

So that's where I am right now, I suppose. I don't know exactly why, but I don't feel quite like myself. It's quite odd to feel like a guest in my own house, and to see people from high school around town. I just don't know quite how to place my mind at this point.

I suppose it has something to do with the fact I don't feel truly at home at school. Curry College is a nice place with good people and a drama department that is approachable and full of good people (and a few nuts). The Professors are excellent and make the learning interesting, and the courses are quite involving. But I just don't feel like I have a place in the school yet. I want to, and sometimes I do, but overall, I feel out of place, like this is not my kind of school. And who knows? Maybe it's not. I think another semester or two will tell me what I need to know. And if it's not, there's always the option to transfer!

And now on to the topic that has me more screwed than anything: Love.

So, that girl I was dating dumps me an exact week before I go to school for reasons that are still unclear to me. Personally, I now see her as she really is, and I just don't know how I dated the bitch for five whole months (to the day, if you can believe it...). Well, moving on from that, though it still makes me sad sometimes, I have really tried hard to move on and find someone else to love and care for, but school offers so little in the kind of girls I like. This alone is frustrating. Trying to find a cure for my problems, and no datable girls in sight. Damn... XP

However, when I was just in a moment of pure and utter depression, I got hit by a curveball to the side of the face: One of my ex's best friends, who I am still friends with, revealed to me that she has feelings for me. This was surprising as hell, especially after she told me right after one of my showings of Romeo & Juliet when I was on an adrenaline high. I was flattered to the utmost degree, but I didn't quite know how to feel about it. So, I took my time, and after three weeks of inexcusable stalling, I finally told her I could not like her in the same way she felt about me.

Now, I thought it was all going to backfire on me. She would cry, hang up on me, and we wouldn't talk for months or ever again, which would mean that I lose a fantastic friend in the process. However, this was not the case! She was very understanding, told me she knew how I feel, and things are now fine between us. Thank God this one turned out so well!

Now, one of the reasons I said I was not interested in dating her is because I didn't feel like I was ready for a relationship at this point, as I was still getting over my last one. While this is true in many ways, something has just come up. I have this friend, a girl, who left Curry halfway through the semester because of a panic attack problem she developed. I really valued her friendship while she was there because we had a lot in common and I really valued her company over many people there. She had a boyfriend, so there was no possibility of a relationship. Actually, I was fine with this. No screwed up feelings to get in the way of a nice friendship, right?

Well, not really. Recently, I have been feeling really bad about not seeing her after withdrawing from Curry. I feel like I should have visited more, because she obviously needed friends at this point in her life. I feel like I had let her down. The truth is, I was scared. She was having these attacks just from leaving the house and going for a ride in the car. I just felt so helpless. All I could do was sit and watch as she cried and struggled to breathe. So, I decide to see her. I go over her house and we watch a couple movies, and she's fine. More than fine. She's acting like she did in the old days before she started having her attacks, despite the fact that she had broken up with her boyfriend by this point. I was amazed. And more than anything, I realized how much I missed her. And I think I missed her a bit too much, if you know what I mean. Sitting there on her couch with her, all I could think of was how much I missed her, and how ashamed I was, feeling like I let her down. All I wanted to do was show her that I cared, but I was getting ahead of myself. I left feeling awkward, but good. There's potential here, I can feel it. But, I need to take this slow, one step at a time. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to miss an opportunity if there is one to begin with.

So, we'll see. I promise to update more often, for the nonexistent readers of this blog. Honestly, who would be interested in my mutterings, anyways? ;)