Short But To the Point

FUCK YOU, PROP 8! :)

One Thing To Say...

I'm on kind of an angst-y mood today, and I only have one thing to say:

I HATE EX-GIRLFRIENDS.

Thank you for your time.

A Humbling Moment

Last night, I was at Park Street waiting for the train to take me home. It was late, around 12:15, and I was worried about not making the last train. Suddenly, I heard a man's voice call out from the other end of the platform. He was asking for money, about seven and a half dollars, to pay for a commuter rail train to a homeless shelter where he could spend the night. He added to his pleas that he had a job interview the next morning, and that it was the first one since he had gotten out of prison. Most people ignored him, and only one man gave him some money. It was just a dollar though, and the homeless man became more and more desperate as time went on.

Standing there, I stayed silent. I didn't want to draw attention to myself, fearing he may come down the platform to ask me for money specifically. I was afraid that he might be cheating us all out of cash, or that he could attack someone for their money. But as I listened to him call out again and again, I felt something. An urge, a pain inside was telling me to do the right thing. I wanted so badly to reject it and move on, and I prayed the train would come soon. But I remembered a class at college where homelessness was the subject, and it reminded me how little respect the homeless get. I thought of how many times I neglected the homeless, and how much I looked down on them, thinking them to be cheaters and beggars and bums. But this man, yearning to turn his life around, was exactly what most people never see in the homeless, and that is why I knew that if I didn't help this man, I would regret it for the rest of my life.

I placed my hand in my wallet and withdrew a ten dollar bill, more than enough to get him to his destination. I held it out to him and wished him God's blessing. As I let go of the bill and turned to walk away, he looked down and saw the numbers printed on the paper, and looked at me with complete and utter shock. It was as if I had just given him a winning lottery ticket, a second chance at life that he didn't think he would have. And as he called out a thank you to me, I was already walking away.

I know it was stupid of me to do that. I know that he might have been scamming me out of a few bucks. Hell, he could have shanked me right there and took my whole wallet for all I knew. But it was the principle of the matter, it was the fact that he wanted to turn himself around and make his life better, that was what convinced me the most.

So please, look kindly on those who live on the streets. Who knows? That might be you someday shivering in the cold. We are in a recession after all, anything can happen.

And The World Comes Crashin' Down On Me...

Well, it's been a while and I need to post something. Much has happened since the last time I wrote, so here's a quick recap:

~She broke up with me. Oh, well...
~I moved to college, but I still work at home.
~I was the Prince of Verona in Romeo & Juliet, and that went really well!
~I've just learned that one of my ex's best friends has feelings for me, but I don't feel the same way for her.
~I finished my fist semester with great marks, super friends, and a show under my belt, but being at home makes me frustrated.

So that's where I am right now, I suppose. I don't know exactly why, but I don't feel quite like myself. It's quite odd to feel like a guest in my own house, and to see people from high school around town. I just don't know quite how to place my mind at this point.

I suppose it has something to do with the fact I don't feel truly at home at school. Curry College is a nice place with good people and a drama department that is approachable and full of good people (and a few nuts). The Professors are excellent and make the learning interesting, and the courses are quite involving. But I just don't feel like I have a place in the school yet. I want to, and sometimes I do, but overall, I feel out of place, like this is not my kind of school. And who knows? Maybe it's not. I think another semester or two will tell me what I need to know. And if it's not, there's always the option to transfer!

And now on to the topic that has me more screwed than anything: Love.

So, that girl I was dating dumps me an exact week before I go to school for reasons that are still unclear to me. Personally, I now see her as she really is, and I just don't know how I dated the bitch for five whole months (to the day, if you can believe it...). Well, moving on from that, though it still makes me sad sometimes, I have really tried hard to move on and find someone else to love and care for, but school offers so little in the kind of girls I like. This alone is frustrating. Trying to find a cure for my problems, and no datable girls in sight. Damn... XP

However, when I was just in a moment of pure and utter depression, I got hit by a curveball to the side of the face: One of my ex's best friends, who I am still friends with, revealed to me that she has feelings for me. This was surprising as hell, especially after she told me right after one of my showings of Romeo & Juliet when I was on an adrenaline high. I was flattered to the utmost degree, but I didn't quite know how to feel about it. So, I took my time, and after three weeks of inexcusable stalling, I finally told her I could not like her in the same way she felt about me.

Now, I thought it was all going to backfire on me. She would cry, hang up on me, and we wouldn't talk for months or ever again, which would mean that I lose a fantastic friend in the process. However, this was not the case! She was very understanding, told me she knew how I feel, and things are now fine between us. Thank God this one turned out so well!

Now, one of the reasons I said I was not interested in dating her is because I didn't feel like I was ready for a relationship at this point, as I was still getting over my last one. While this is true in many ways, something has just come up. I have this friend, a girl, who left Curry halfway through the semester because of a panic attack problem she developed. I really valued her friendship while she was there because we had a lot in common and I really valued her company over many people there. She had a boyfriend, so there was no possibility of a relationship. Actually, I was fine with this. No screwed up feelings to get in the way of a nice friendship, right?

Well, not really. Recently, I have been feeling really bad about not seeing her after withdrawing from Curry. I feel like I should have visited more, because she obviously needed friends at this point in her life. I feel like I had let her down. The truth is, I was scared. She was having these attacks just from leaving the house and going for a ride in the car. I just felt so helpless. All I could do was sit and watch as she cried and struggled to breathe. So, I decide to see her. I go over her house and we watch a couple movies, and she's fine. More than fine. She's acting like she did in the old days before she started having her attacks, despite the fact that she had broken up with her boyfriend by this point. I was amazed. And more than anything, I realized how much I missed her. And I think I missed her a bit too much, if you know what I mean. Sitting there on her couch with her, all I could think of was how much I missed her, and how ashamed I was, feeling like I let her down. All I wanted to do was show her that I cared, but I was getting ahead of myself. I left feeling awkward, but good. There's potential here, I can feel it. But, I need to take this slow, one step at a time. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to miss an opportunity if there is one to begin with.

So, we'll see. I promise to update more often, for the nonexistent readers of this blog. Honestly, who would be interested in my mutterings, anyways? ;)

Lonely For Her

Is it wrong to miss someone so much it hurts, knowing that they might not ever miss you in the same way because of their beliefs?

I hope not...

So lots have happened since last post. The most notable ones being:

~Graduated high school... FINALLY!!!
~Got me a woman... FINALLY!!!

And the last one is where the problems that I am now facing come from.

Basically, is like this: We met at drama festival, and soon we entered the relationship period. Things were nice all the while, but I never thought I'd last. None of my relationships ever do. But this one lasted for a good three months, two months longer than any of my real relationships. And it was strange that I should find someone out there that actually loved me for me, and even took my flaws and embraced them as part of me, not laughing at them or calling them out. Surprised though I was, I have been trying my best to believe that there is someone out there who loves me and wants to be with me, the whole time trying to wrestle that with the feelings of infidelity on her part that I know should, and probably will, come sooner than later. But they haven't yet!

All the while, there comes something creeping from the shadows... Something that I dread and she embraces and loves.

What is this?

A summer camp.

Not so bad, right? Well, it's not just any camp. This is the mother of all camps, apparently...

This is the Northwestern University Summer Arts Program. A time where kids from around the country are selected to become Northwestern Cherubs, where they embrace their skills in the arts and learn to become better in their medium. My girl has been looking forward to this event for almost two years now, and she is ecstatic to go and have one of the best experiences in theater ever devised.

But there's a problem:

Northwestern is in Chicago. We live in Eastern Massachusetts.

This might not be so bad... if the camp wasn't...

five

weeks

long.

So now I'm at home, living basically the same summer I have the past two years. Same job, same homes, same overall bullshit. But my lady is living it up halfway across the country in her element. All new kids, all new experience. Cherub alum have called it the best time of their lives so far.

And here I sit, typing these words. Envious, sad, lonely. While she's learning about lighting a show, I'm bagging groceries. While she's rehearsing a new play, I'll be mowing the lawn. While she's tooling around Chicago with her new friends and family, I'll be at home, playing Xbox, all my income thrust away from me so I can pay for college this coming fall. Even hanging out with friends has lost it's flavor.

I want to tell her that I miss her more and more with each passing day. That every day she's over there, I feel helpless sometime during the day, as I know I won't be able to see her for five whole weeks. I won't be able to hold her, laugh with her, kiss her. That's the stuff that got me through my weeks these past few months, the thought of seeing her on the weekends. And now I have to wait a whole month without here here.

And the killer? The last time I saw her was last Thursday. She only left Sunday. Today is Monday. That's right, the next day.

Could this be any worse?

Yeah, it can.

I've talked to her briefly the past two days, and she sounds quite busy and rushes off the phone after spewing the necessary info. I realize this is a theater boot camp, with classes seven days a week and two shows to do in five weeks, but our calls are so short they depress me.

It just makes me really sad that I'm here missing her, and she's having the time of her life with her new camp friends (who will soon become her family.) I just don't think she realizes just how much I care about her and how much I want to see her. This might be one of the most unbearable experiences of my whole life, but she's there without a care in the world.

I'm just sad that I don't think she's capable of understanding how much I miss her and want her here.

But I can't tell her that. Number one, I don't want to seem like a clingy guy for wanting desperately to see her all summer when I know she might care less about seeing me (I mean, I know she says she'll miss me, but I know she will never miss me as much I do her.) And number two, she sees a relationship as a bonus added to life, rather than an essential part of life. Relationships should improve life, she says. One should be able to live and function well without a significant other to help along. A boyfriend/girlfriend shouldn't be someone you can't exist without.

I can agree with that... to a point. I can live without her. I can breathe, move, work, think, and all around function without her. I did before, right? But I feel so alone now that she's gone, and I want to see her so badly, knowing I can't. And I think that if I told her how I felt, she might see me as a weaker person, and wouldn't want to be with me.

And when she does come home, I know she'll be gabbing on and on about camp this, camp that. Inside joke, funny story, and how she's missing amazing camp people that she may never see again. I don't think that she'll be happy to see me at all. I mean, I know that isn't necessarily true, but I can't see why not. She's just come from one of the best times of her life, and even after a couple weeks of being home and dealing with the regular home stuff, I really can't think that anything at home will make her feel better than Cherubs did.

And that's my worst fear. That all she'll think of is camp and not care that I've been waiting patiently here for five weeks for her to return, waiting to make her happy. I just don't think I could stand having the situation be reversed, where she's all emo and sad about leaving her new best friends to go back to the same people she's always known, and I'm excited to get back to seeing her and happy that she's back, so I can make her glad to be home.

That is, if I can. I used to be able to make her happy, but can I after the best time of her life?

I don't think so. But I hope to God I can try.

A Small Revelation...

The other night I was thinking a lot about life and existence in general (yes, this is what happens to me when I cant sleep) and while I was lying in my bed trying to count sheep, I wrote down some thoughts and ideas that seemed right to me about... well, life.

~As humans we are faced with many events, some unpredictable, some seen coming eons in advance. Our reactions to these events are based on how we learned to react to these happenings throughout our lives.

~But a lot of the happenings in this world are only natural to our universe, and therefore do not require an influx of emotion. Therefore, all happenings in this world are of a neutral origin, and should not be considered to be anything but.

~One's reaction to an event is based off of past events and one's outlook on life. Therefore, it should not be unusual for us to think that someone might look positively on a war or a murder, and alternatively that a marriage or winning the lottery might be negative.

~Through our own life experiences, we begin to form our own opinions on life based on what we have learned from others and what we determine ourselves. So every person's view of the world is unique; it's what doesn't kill us that makes us who we are.

~Life is full of uncertainties, and therefore, a lot can be disrupted or ruined if one is to live according to what they think might be certain. Therefore, it is better that we as humans live for the uncertainty of life and not exist in our own fantasies or expectations. Do not reject what is handed to you or look at the glass half empty. Take everything with a grain of salt, as always, but rather than brood, look for the hope, and try to imagine the glass half full. You'll be surprised how far this will take you.

Jack's Mannequin The Glass Passenger ~ A Review!!

I am probably one of Jack's Mannequin's hugest fans right now. Their album Everything In Transit is probably my favorite album to date and has always been inspiration and help for me in hard times. That being said, I was desperately looking forward to JM's latest installment, as any new material from Andrew McMahon is always a pleasure.

However, I had mixed feelings at first. I didn't want this album to take the place of EIT in my mind, nor did I want my view of JM or McMahon to change because of the new songs.

Long story short: the wait was worth it, and the work couldn't be better!

Andrew has matured so much since his debut JM album. His musical themes and song narratives are both more mature and developed, giving the songs a fuller and richer sound. He uses the story of his battle with cancer, not as the album's main focus, but rather as a tool to help tell his life story through music. Thus his emotion can truly be felt in his music. In both "Caves" and "Hammers and Strings (A Lullaby)" McMahon infuses the songs with emotion, and uses his falsetto to bring a sense of panic ("Caves") or utter desperation ("Hammers") to the pieces.

However, there are two items I must comment on about the album. First of all, unlike EIT, not all the songs are hits, the stand out being "Suicide Blonde". Personally, I can not stand the song, and it seems so unlike Andrew to be writing a song like this. Also, the song "Doris Day" was not released on the American version of the album, which was disappointing to say the least.

Taken all into consideration, The Glass Passenger is definitely recommended for Jack's Mannequin's fans and casual listeners alike. It's definitely not Everything In Transit, and that is precisely what makes it shine.

4 1/2 stars out of 5