Lonely For Her

Is it wrong to miss someone so much it hurts, knowing that they might not ever miss you in the same way because of their beliefs?

I hope not...

So lots have happened since last post. The most notable ones being:

~Graduated high school... FINALLY!!!
~Got me a woman... FINALLY!!!

And the last one is where the problems that I am now facing come from.

Basically, is like this: We met at drama festival, and soon we entered the relationship period. Things were nice all the while, but I never thought I'd last. None of my relationships ever do. But this one lasted for a good three months, two months longer than any of my real relationships. And it was strange that I should find someone out there that actually loved me for me, and even took my flaws and embraced them as part of me, not laughing at them or calling them out. Surprised though I was, I have been trying my best to believe that there is someone out there who loves me and wants to be with me, the whole time trying to wrestle that with the feelings of infidelity on her part that I know should, and probably will, come sooner than later. But they haven't yet!

All the while, there comes something creeping from the shadows... Something that I dread and she embraces and loves.

What is this?

A summer camp.

Not so bad, right? Well, it's not just any camp. This is the mother of all camps, apparently...

This is the Northwestern University Summer Arts Program. A time where kids from around the country are selected to become Northwestern Cherubs, where they embrace their skills in the arts and learn to become better in their medium. My girl has been looking forward to this event for almost two years now, and she is ecstatic to go and have one of the best experiences in theater ever devised.

But there's a problem:

Northwestern is in Chicago. We live in Eastern Massachusetts.

This might not be so bad... if the camp wasn't...

five

weeks

long.

So now I'm at home, living basically the same summer I have the past two years. Same job, same homes, same overall bullshit. But my lady is living it up halfway across the country in her element. All new kids, all new experience. Cherub alum have called it the best time of their lives so far.

And here I sit, typing these words. Envious, sad, lonely. While she's learning about lighting a show, I'm bagging groceries. While she's rehearsing a new play, I'll be mowing the lawn. While she's tooling around Chicago with her new friends and family, I'll be at home, playing Xbox, all my income thrust away from me so I can pay for college this coming fall. Even hanging out with friends has lost it's flavor.

I want to tell her that I miss her more and more with each passing day. That every day she's over there, I feel helpless sometime during the day, as I know I won't be able to see her for five whole weeks. I won't be able to hold her, laugh with her, kiss her. That's the stuff that got me through my weeks these past few months, the thought of seeing her on the weekends. And now I have to wait a whole month without here here.

And the killer? The last time I saw her was last Thursday. She only left Sunday. Today is Monday. That's right, the next day.

Could this be any worse?

Yeah, it can.

I've talked to her briefly the past two days, and she sounds quite busy and rushes off the phone after spewing the necessary info. I realize this is a theater boot camp, with classes seven days a week and two shows to do in five weeks, but our calls are so short they depress me.

It just makes me really sad that I'm here missing her, and she's having the time of her life with her new camp friends (who will soon become her family.) I just don't think she realizes just how much I care about her and how much I want to see her. This might be one of the most unbearable experiences of my whole life, but she's there without a care in the world.

I'm just sad that I don't think she's capable of understanding how much I miss her and want her here.

But I can't tell her that. Number one, I don't want to seem like a clingy guy for wanting desperately to see her all summer when I know she might care less about seeing me (I mean, I know she says she'll miss me, but I know she will never miss me as much I do her.) And number two, she sees a relationship as a bonus added to life, rather than an essential part of life. Relationships should improve life, she says. One should be able to live and function well without a significant other to help along. A boyfriend/girlfriend shouldn't be someone you can't exist without.

I can agree with that... to a point. I can live without her. I can breathe, move, work, think, and all around function without her. I did before, right? But I feel so alone now that she's gone, and I want to see her so badly, knowing I can't. And I think that if I told her how I felt, she might see me as a weaker person, and wouldn't want to be with me.

And when she does come home, I know she'll be gabbing on and on about camp this, camp that. Inside joke, funny story, and how she's missing amazing camp people that she may never see again. I don't think that she'll be happy to see me at all. I mean, I know that isn't necessarily true, but I can't see why not. She's just come from one of the best times of her life, and even after a couple weeks of being home and dealing with the regular home stuff, I really can't think that anything at home will make her feel better than Cherubs did.

And that's my worst fear. That all she'll think of is camp and not care that I've been waiting patiently here for five weeks for her to return, waiting to make her happy. I just don't think I could stand having the situation be reversed, where she's all emo and sad about leaving her new best friends to go back to the same people she's always known, and I'm excited to get back to seeing her and happy that she's back, so I can make her glad to be home.

That is, if I can. I used to be able to make her happy, but can I after the best time of her life?

I don't think so. But I hope to God I can try.