"I so want to get back on track....

And Ill do whatever it takes... Even if it kills me."
-- Motion City Soundtrack

I don't know whats wrong with me these days. It used to be that I come home, and get right to my homework or whatever. No matter what, I would always be able to concentrate and get it done. Yeah, it took a long time and I like had no free time at all, let alone a social life. I was such a good student, and now look at me!

Now, I'm the nicest guy in the world. People say I'm mature for my age, with wisdom that comes only with age at only 17. Yeah, that's nice, but though I may be sophisticated for my age, I am not the model student I once was. I get average or below average grades in all of my core classes, and I excel in my electives. I spend so little time on homework it worries me. And this is supposed to be the most important year of my high school career.

Then why do I feel like it's all so pointless? Why must my mind wander when I know that I must concentrate on my work? I can never pay attention anymore, and I want to so badly! I don't know whats wrong with me! I just want to do well and come out on top like I always have. But not anymore.

I just wish I was the kind of student I used to be, that weird kid who sat at the back of the room, picked his nose and got 100's on all of his tests. I mean, I was a social outcast save a few people, but at least I brought home the bacon. Now, I have more friends and more to look forward to, but my work ethics are slipping. My priorities are shifting without my wanting them to, my wants my needs, everything.

I know this sounds weird, but its true in its strange sort of way. I just want to be able to pay attention in class again without falling asleep, to work on homework despite the distractions until it's all done, to come home with a report card with A's and B's and not B's and C's and D's.
I don't know why I'm not trying anymore. My mind wants to care, but my soul just doesn't want to carry on with it. Or is it vice versa? I don't know...

I guess this might help explain things better....

"I've got a lot of things to do tonight.
I'm so sick of making lists
of things I'll never finish.
I've lived here for the last twelve years*.
Since early 1995,
All my shit has been in boxes.
But if I had a little more time to kill,
I'd settle every little stupid thing.
Yeah you'd think that I would....

But I'm too tired to go to sleep,
tonight.
And I'm too weak to follow dreams,
tonight.

For the first time in a long time
I can say that I want to try
To get better and overcome each moment
In my own way.

I'm not saying that I've given up
I'm just trying not to think
As much as I used to.
'Cuse "never" is a lonely little messed up word
Maybe I'll get it right some day.

For the first time in a long time
I can say that I want to try.
I feel helpless for the most part,
but I'm learning to open my eyes.
And the sad truth of the matter is,
I'll never get over it, but I've got to try,
To get better and overcome each moment
in my own way.

I so want to get back on track
And I'll do whatever it takes...
Even if it kills me."

God help me... I'm so fucked right now......

Props to Motion City Soundtrack.
*actually, my whole life.